This is an article I was asked to write in the style of Jonathan Swift as part of my coursework. Please note that nothing contained in this article represents my personal opinion on the subject discussed.
"Smoking is soon to be banned in public places across the UK. Such a bizarre move is clearly another example of the government succumbing to the pressure of a few eccentric activists in the name of political correctness.
"We are to be stripped of one of our only solaces in a world with more daily stressors than ever before. Shopping in an over-crowded supermarket of blithering fools blocking aisles with their trolleys; festering in a traffic jam at five p.m. on a Monday night; attempting to put the kids to bed just as they develop a sudden case of acute hyperactivity; these are the times when the cigarette is our saviour.
"Many a public brawl in the cornflake aisle has undoubtedly been prevented by the prospective perpetrators popping outside before throwing a punch to smoke away their stress.
"Without these merciful sticks of sanity, we will be reduced to a mob of edgy lunatics in desperate need of some anger management therapy (much pricier than a couple of packets of Marlboro Lights a week). The number of car accidents would also be bound to increase due to irate motorists taking to ramming cars off the road like dodgems.
"Indeed, some scientists have even gone so far as to suggest that smoking may prevent the onset of dementia. ‘So if your time is nearly up anyway, and you have somehow managed to steer a course past the Scylla and Charybdis of heart attacks and tumours, smoking might just help you retain your marbles.’
"But smoking is not just beneficial to national Mental Health statistics. An obesity epidemic is sweeping the Western world. The UK is one of the biggest culprits, with 46% of men and 32% of women overweight and 17% of men and 21% of women obese. The solution to the problem is blindingly obvious, yet widely ignored: smoking.
Yes, there are a few negative implications associated with the habit. Similarly harmful associations also apply to driving cars, but we have yet to see the mass pedestrianisation of the UK in a bid to minimise crashes - which will be necessary if the ban goes ahead (and this will pose problems in itself, as many smokers suffer from asthma already. Surely it is an abuse of human rights to force people with delicate chests to hike everywhere on foot?)
"Obesity causes all kinds of health worries in itself, such as heart disease or even heart attack. Surely the discerning British public would prefer to look trim and have lower stress levels than to be fat, angry and prone to heart attack at any minute?"
Monday, November 27, 2006
Violence should not be prevented
Hairbands, moisturisers, hair straighteners, hair products, skirts, manicures, facials, handbags and make up. Welcome to the new age metro sexual man. Where men emulate woman’s vanity.
Forget the gender bending eighties- that was not where the decline of manliness started. It was simply a way for men desperately seeking attention to get noticed. The 2000s has been the decade when it has become the social norm for men to act as women. Gender bending was deliberately obscure- but this is gender blending- and it marks the death of the alpha male.
The male is giving up the battle to save a long held identity all too easily, but there’s a simple reason for this. You can’t win a battle without fighting- and man’s right to fight has been removed.
Man have been fighting for as long as it has existed. Violence was often over women, food and land- but these were never the most common reason for a brawl. Man’s real motivation to fight has always been their sense of male pride. Any self respecting male has this in abundance, it creates the urge to fight. It’s a pride that can be stung easily, and solved only in a few ways- a solid head butt, roundhouse right-hook, or at the very least an old fashioned shoeing.
Football has traditionally been the outlet for the English men to release their 'male pride'. But the Guardian reading, suburb dwelling, middle classes have driven the violence out- without justification.
There was never a problem with violence at football. Those who indulged knew the risks. Those who didn’t want to get involved didn’t have to- they were generally the aforementioned middle classed ‘men’- and could therefore afford to splash out on a corporate box or expensive seat away from the violence.
The death of violence at football has coincided with the emergence of the metro sexual man- and this is no coincidence.
Fighting is an intrinsic part of a man’s make up. And this time I don’t mean blusher or eye-liner.
Forget the gender bending eighties- that was not where the decline of manliness started. It was simply a way for men desperately seeking attention to get noticed. The 2000s has been the decade when it has become the social norm for men to act as women. Gender bending was deliberately obscure- but this is gender blending- and it marks the death of the alpha male.
The male is giving up the battle to save a long held identity all too easily, but there’s a simple reason for this. You can’t win a battle without fighting- and man’s right to fight has been removed.
Man have been fighting for as long as it has existed. Violence was often over women, food and land- but these were never the most common reason for a brawl. Man’s real motivation to fight has always been their sense of male pride. Any self respecting male has this in abundance, it creates the urge to fight. It’s a pride that can be stung easily, and solved only in a few ways- a solid head butt, roundhouse right-hook, or at the very least an old fashioned shoeing.
Football has traditionally been the outlet for the English men to release their 'male pride'. But the Guardian reading, suburb dwelling, middle classes have driven the violence out- without justification.
There was never a problem with violence at football. Those who indulged knew the risks. Those who didn’t want to get involved didn’t have to- they were generally the aforementioned middle classed ‘men’- and could therefore afford to splash out on a corporate box or expensive seat away from the violence.
The death of violence at football has coincided with the emergence of the metro sexual man- and this is no coincidence.
Fighting is an intrinsic part of a man’s make up. And this time I don’t mean blusher or eye-liner.
Women's Liberation
The Women's Liberation movement was a bad thing. It has ruined the family home, encouraged murder and given women who do not even pay attention to politics the chance to vote.
Instead of going out to work, women should stay home, raise families and tend to domestic duties. Instead, we find that women are not only not tending to their children, they are killing them.
The right to abortion that the women’s movement brought has meant that there has been a steady increase of murder through out the years.
Abortion is rising each year, and instead of bringing life into the world, women are destroying it. The Department of Health in a statistical report says that abortions have risen by nearly 1% since 2004 and is increasing each year.
Women are having abortions younger and younger and only have children in their 30’s when their career that never really began has ended. They wait until their bodies are old and used to deliver unhealthy children into the world.
The point of a woman is to keep the household in check and bring up her husbands children. World War Two may have rented the women a reason to work outside the household, but that was because the men were fighting to keep the country free for these women.
How do they repay those that lost their lives in the war? By starting their own war, by insisting that they demand ‘equality’.
In 2004, John H. Johnson examined data from the Survey of Income and Program Participation and concluded that gender has an important influence on the connection between work hours and increases in the probability of divorce. Women's work hours consistently increase divorce, whereas increases in men's work hours often have no statistical effect. "I also find that the incidence in divorce is far higher in couples where both spouses are working than in couples where only one spouse is employed," Johnson says.
If a host of studies are to be believed, marrying women with careers is a bad thing. If women quit their jobs and stay home with the kids, they will be unhappy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2003). They will be unhappy if they make more money than men do ( Social Forces, 2006). Men will be unhappy if they make more money than women do ( Journal of Marriage and Family, 2001). Men will be more likely to fall ill ( American Journal of Sociology). Even the house will be dirtier ( Institute for Social Research).
Conventionally, men have tended to do paid work outside the home, and women have tended to do the household work, including raising children.
All of the work must get done by somebody, and the previous combinations of men being the breadwinner and women looking after the house has worked well for centuries.
While women go off to work for a day, trying so hard to compete with a man for his job, her children suffer. Being brought up by strangers, the child becomes more accustomed to a spotty 16 year old girl’s face than the familiar face of the one who brought them into the world.
What is to become of our children if the women of this world selfishly give them up, to go and work fifty hours a week? A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women--even those with a "feminist" outlook--are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner.
Women risk their children, their families and marriage all to earn ‘pocket money’ which they spend on cosmetics and clothes designed to ‘liberate’ them, instead of on the future of their children and families.
The only thing that the women’s movement did was create a divide in the family structure, one that is widening with each year as families and children have to suffer for the selfish choices of women evading their duties.
Instead of going out to work, women should stay home, raise families and tend to domestic duties. Instead, we find that women are not only not tending to their children, they are killing them.
The right to abortion that the women’s movement brought has meant that there has been a steady increase of murder through out the years.
Abortion is rising each year, and instead of bringing life into the world, women are destroying it. The Department of Health in a statistical report says that abortions have risen by nearly 1% since 2004 and is increasing each year.
Women are having abortions younger and younger and only have children in their 30’s when their career that never really began has ended. They wait until their bodies are old and used to deliver unhealthy children into the world.
The point of a woman is to keep the household in check and bring up her husbands children. World War Two may have rented the women a reason to work outside the household, but that was because the men were fighting to keep the country free for these women.
How do they repay those that lost their lives in the war? By starting their own war, by insisting that they demand ‘equality’.
In 2004, John H. Johnson examined data from the Survey of Income and Program Participation and concluded that gender has an important influence on the connection between work hours and increases in the probability of divorce. Women's work hours consistently increase divorce, whereas increases in men's work hours often have no statistical effect. "I also find that the incidence in divorce is far higher in couples where both spouses are working than in couples where only one spouse is employed," Johnson says.
If a host of studies are to be believed, marrying women with careers is a bad thing. If women quit their jobs and stay home with the kids, they will be unhappy (Journal of Marriage and Family, 2003). They will be unhappy if they make more money than men do ( Social Forces, 2006). Men will be unhappy if they make more money than women do ( Journal of Marriage and Family, 2001). Men will be more likely to fall ill ( American Journal of Sociology). Even the house will be dirtier ( Institute for Social Research).
Conventionally, men have tended to do paid work outside the home, and women have tended to do the household work, including raising children.
All of the work must get done by somebody, and the previous combinations of men being the breadwinner and women looking after the house has worked well for centuries.
While women go off to work for a day, trying so hard to compete with a man for his job, her children suffer. Being brought up by strangers, the child becomes more accustomed to a spotty 16 year old girl’s face than the familiar face of the one who brought them into the world.
What is to become of our children if the women of this world selfishly give them up, to go and work fifty hours a week? A recent study in Social Forces, a research journal, found that women--even those with a "feminist" outlook--are happier when their husband is the primary breadwinner.
Women risk their children, their families and marriage all to earn ‘pocket money’ which they spend on cosmetics and clothes designed to ‘liberate’ them, instead of on the future of their children and families.
The only thing that the women’s movement did was create a divide in the family structure, one that is widening with each year as families and children have to suffer for the selfish choices of women evading their duties.
Bullying: Necessary for a Healthy Society
Hierarchy is essential for any successful society and bullying is the sure-fire, never-fail, tried and tested way to achieve this. All animals, of which we as humans are the dominant, bullying species, require a well-defined system of power.
In time-honoured tradition, prevalent since the dawn of man when the bigger chimps hit the weaker ones with club-like sticks and singed their arse hairs with the first licks of flame, the stronger elements will always rise to the top.
So a child comes home crying and, perhaps, beaten again as they are bullied into submission by the tough popular kids who are reacting to being bullied themselves at home and re-asserting their place in the world by picking on the weak. It’s a marvellously intricate and highly complex chain. Like a DNA strand comprised of big fish and little fish.
Bullied children know their place in society and will grow into the necessarily weak and scared members of adulthood that can be bullied once again in the workplace and provide the footholds and rungs that the strong, good looking and confident require to haul themselves to the top. The bully victims provide a valuable and necessary service.
A point to keep in mind - they must be made to feel slightly important as a swathe of suicides would be detrimental to the economy. However, as a qualifier to this, some suicides are necessary to weed out those who are just too weak to be utilised. These people are of use to no one.
We simply can’t have an entire group of people thinking they can achieve, succeed and prosper when they will always, always fail. Bullying helps them to realise this at an early age and stops a nation of the disappointed growing and sucking the life and vigour out of those who are, quite honestly, better people.
Without these bullying tactics we would have no system of government, corporations would crumble and the IMF would be non-existent.
Someone must think of the poor African countries. How would they know that they are inferior to white, western, capitalist civilizations without an extremely well laid out system of bullying that started with slavery and is now re-branded as economic reality?
Even communism recognised this eternal truth. Everyone is equal but some are more equal than others. Those in power were the same as those they ruled on paper, but their large palatial homes and separate lane of the motorway (got to be quick to implement draconian laws) clearly set them apart. As did the wide spread imprisonments, the rampant torture and the countless murders.
Humans feel comfortable with bullying. They positively need it. Sheep bleat in the fields with big wide eyes until the farmer and his collie come along to point out the pen that was there all the time, yet incomprehensible until the sharp whistles and vicious barks steered them in the right direction.
Too much free thought and creativity is dangerous. A healthy system of bullying helps to keep these aspects in check. With bullying rampant, everyone knows his or her place.
Alexis
In time-honoured tradition, prevalent since the dawn of man when the bigger chimps hit the weaker ones with club-like sticks and singed their arse hairs with the first licks of flame, the stronger elements will always rise to the top.
So a child comes home crying and, perhaps, beaten again as they are bullied into submission by the tough popular kids who are reacting to being bullied themselves at home and re-asserting their place in the world by picking on the weak. It’s a marvellously intricate and highly complex chain. Like a DNA strand comprised of big fish and little fish.
Bullied children know their place in society and will grow into the necessarily weak and scared members of adulthood that can be bullied once again in the workplace and provide the footholds and rungs that the strong, good looking and confident require to haul themselves to the top. The bully victims provide a valuable and necessary service.
A point to keep in mind - they must be made to feel slightly important as a swathe of suicides would be detrimental to the economy. However, as a qualifier to this, some suicides are necessary to weed out those who are just too weak to be utilised. These people are of use to no one.
We simply can’t have an entire group of people thinking they can achieve, succeed and prosper when they will always, always fail. Bullying helps them to realise this at an early age and stops a nation of the disappointed growing and sucking the life and vigour out of those who are, quite honestly, better people.
Without these bullying tactics we would have no system of government, corporations would crumble and the IMF would be non-existent.
Someone must think of the poor African countries. How would they know that they are inferior to white, western, capitalist civilizations without an extremely well laid out system of bullying that started with slavery and is now re-branded as economic reality?
Even communism recognised this eternal truth. Everyone is equal but some are more equal than others. Those in power were the same as those they ruled on paper, but their large palatial homes and separate lane of the motorway (got to be quick to implement draconian laws) clearly set them apart. As did the wide spread imprisonments, the rampant torture and the countless murders.
Humans feel comfortable with bullying. They positively need it. Sheep bleat in the fields with big wide eyes until the farmer and his collie come along to point out the pen that was there all the time, yet incomprehensible until the sharp whistles and vicious barks steered them in the right direction.
Too much free thought and creativity is dangerous. A healthy system of bullying helps to keep these aspects in check. With bullying rampant, everyone knows his or her place.
Alexis
A proposal for the radical regeneration of Burnley.
The prison system is overcrowded to the point of dysfunction, children maim and kill each other for entertainment, and sex beasts are free to whittle their days away in our playgrounds. They wait in filthy expectation, playing on the swings, lurking on roundabouts, their groping hands twitching to get hold of an innocent young child.
Our beautiful nation is sinking into a deviant snake pit of sin. A veritable oasis for Sodom and Gomorrah, as they scour the populated world looking for the corruptible. And what are we doing about it? Nothing. Blair and his sandal-wearing cronies sit about and moan that’s all they do, moan about the environment, about lower taxes and higher wages, about how hard it is to run a country. Well Mr Blair, there is a solution.
We must relocate the worst elements of our society, starting with the sex beasts. Get them away from the good and the honest of our land. Let them groom and fiddle amongst themselves. Where can they be sent? It has to be a place that is already overrun with evil and vice, with the worst sorts of human behavior occurring in every office and every home. A place so defiled by malevolence that it could get no worse.
Burnley, as described by the official tourism website, is an ‘enigma’. If this is true it is not because it straddles the line between the golden age of industry, and the consumer supported comfort of the Twenty First century, no, rather it is because of its status as an indefinable wasteland, straddling the line between Hell and Hades. One possible solution to the problem of Burnley is to have it, and its population relocated 20 miles off the coast of Blackpool. Desirable as this sounds, it is simply not feasible, it would be time consuming, and would risk contaminating our costal waters for centuries.
As residents flee, the crumbling streets and boarded up factories are beginning to resemble a ghost town. The bodies of the old and infirmed lie strewn across the cracked cobbled roads, children are left behind, abandoned to make a life amongst the rubble. It is in this picture that the solution to our nations problems can be found. Why should these children crawl, blinded by coal dust, and choked by asbestos in search of a better life? Why not send the sex beasts to Burnley, let them have the place, and put the children in the vacated playgrounds?
The BNP have been angling for a controlling stake in the city for years. Well let them have it. They could run the city and, using the infamously violent Burnley Suicide Squad as their enforcers, could restore some order amongst the nonce’s. Our prisons would empty out over night, leaving more space for all the terrorists and chancing rag heads who have flooded our nation. Our playgrounds would be safe again, and our nation would be one step closer to restoring purity.
ed.
The prison system is overcrowded to the point of dysfunction, children maim and kill each other for entertainment, and sex beasts are free to whittle their days away in our playgrounds. They wait in filthy expectation, playing on the swings, lurking on roundabouts, their groping hands twitching to get hold of an innocent young child.
Our beautiful nation is sinking into a deviant snake pit of sin. A veritable oasis for Sodom and Gomorrah, as they scour the populated world looking for the corruptible. And what are we doing about it? Nothing. Blair and his sandal-wearing cronies sit about and moan that’s all they do, moan about the environment, about lower taxes and higher wages, about how hard it is to run a country. Well Mr Blair, there is a solution.
We must relocate the worst elements of our society, starting with the sex beasts. Get them away from the good and the honest of our land. Let them groom and fiddle amongst themselves. Where can they be sent? It has to be a place that is already overrun with evil and vice, with the worst sorts of human behavior occurring in every office and every home. A place so defiled by malevolence that it could get no worse.
Burnley, as described by the official tourism website, is an ‘enigma’. If this is true it is not because it straddles the line between the golden age of industry, and the consumer supported comfort of the Twenty First century, no, rather it is because of its status as an indefinable wasteland, straddling the line between Hell and Hades. One possible solution to the problem of Burnley is to have it, and its population relocated 20 miles off the coast of Blackpool. Desirable as this sounds, it is simply not feasible, it would be time consuming, and would risk contaminating our costal waters for centuries.
As residents flee, the crumbling streets and boarded up factories are beginning to resemble a ghost town. The bodies of the old and infirmed lie strewn across the cracked cobbled roads, children are left behind, abandoned to make a life amongst the rubble. It is in this picture that the solution to our nations problems can be found. Why should these children crawl, blinded by coal dust, and choked by asbestos in search of a better life? Why not send the sex beasts to Burnley, let them have the place, and put the children in the vacated playgrounds?
The BNP have been angling for a controlling stake in the city for years. Well let them have it. They could run the city and, using the infamously violent Burnley Suicide Squad as their enforcers, could restore some order amongst the nonce’s. Our prisons would empty out over night, leaving more space for all the terrorists and chancing rag heads who have flooded our nation. Our playgrounds would be safe again, and our nation would be one step closer to restoring purity.
ed.
The Russian Mafia - Shining Light of Eastern Capitalism
As surely as snow will fall on the minarets of Russia’s Red Square, the positive influence on the country’s mafia will be felt on the eastern superpower’s fledgling economy.
How can the mafia act as a positive force? Why would a group associated with organised crime work for the good of the Russian people, who have been victims of politician’s power struggles for so many years.
The answer lies in the mafia’s history as a strong force for capitalism in the former eastern block states. It has worked tirelessly and often with little thanks as the West’s PR man in offering a shinning example of the power of the dollar and the American dream within this communist ravaged nation.
Russia’s masses need look no further for examples of self made men, than the reclusive mafia bosses. No press call is needed for Donald Trump to proclaim his Midas touch on the streets of Moscow, for beneath the outward veneer of eastern communism a vibrant economy was always thriving.
Mafia activity has a long history in Russia, it preceeded the country’s dalliance with communism in the twentieth century and moved with the country as it took it’s fledgling steps into the West’s capitalist playground.
Through this change the Mafia has consistently worked to promote the ethos of free trade, choice and availability of goods to the repressed Russian people.
Under the communist regime of the 1970s and 1980s, the Mafia ran a thriving business line in supplying Russian citizens with black-market western goods. Who can blame the normal Russian man or woman - unfairly repressed by the shackles of communism – for wanting to enjoy a Coca Cola like every other free man in the democratic nations of the world. And who can blame the entrepreneurial mafia man for meeting this customer demand.
Without the mafia, who would have stood up to the communist powers in enlightening the common Russian man as to the delights of a free and democratic society? The tireless work of these organisations, often in the face of great personal risk, to supply western goods to the Russian people during this period cannot be overlooked. Indeed, it may well have sown the seed of change needed to spur the common Russian towards revolution.
After the fall of the communist regime, the mafia organisations, already strongly immersed in the strategies of western capitalism were ideally placed to foster the notion of free trade within the fledgling economy.
The mafia is also providing a day-to-day means of employment for many Russians. Western businesses now operating in Russia employ large security entourages to protect their executives. 25,000 Russian security firms have grown up to protect these Westerners and the organisations employ between 600,000-800,000 Russian workers. It is estimated that the mafia controls a sixth of this thriving sector, which provides a valuable service to western companies and keeps many Russian’s in jobs.
It is often argued that the Russian mafia is an unsavoury organisation because of its secrecy and un-flamboyant manner. But surely, the Russian mafia have done nothing more than mirror their western friends, more fully schooled in the arts of global capitalism.
Find a CEO of a European investment bank who does not consider secrecy in financial business to be a core skill and you will find an unsuccessful banker. You will also rarely find these bankers boasting of their flamboyant natures.
The other main argument used against the mafia is that they resort to crime and violence to achieve their business ends. And in this area, they may even be able to teach their new western comrades a thing or two about effective business strategy.
Be ruthless in attaining your goal and success will follow! Surely any businessman worth his Armani suit will tell you this. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And if your enemies need to be silenced, surely it is more humane to quickly remove them with an effective poison than hold them for many years on remote Cuban islands. This all costs money after all, which is not good business sense at all.
As the world’s governments struggle to decide on Russia’s place within the new global world economy, they should perhaps look to the mafia as an old and shining example of capitalism within this eastern state. They may find that the thinking of the east and west are not so far apart after all.
How can the mafia act as a positive force? Why would a group associated with organised crime work for the good of the Russian people, who have been victims of politician’s power struggles for so many years.
The answer lies in the mafia’s history as a strong force for capitalism in the former eastern block states. It has worked tirelessly and often with little thanks as the West’s PR man in offering a shinning example of the power of the dollar and the American dream within this communist ravaged nation.
Russia’s masses need look no further for examples of self made men, than the reclusive mafia bosses. No press call is needed for Donald Trump to proclaim his Midas touch on the streets of Moscow, for beneath the outward veneer of eastern communism a vibrant economy was always thriving.
Mafia activity has a long history in Russia, it preceeded the country’s dalliance with communism in the twentieth century and moved with the country as it took it’s fledgling steps into the West’s capitalist playground.
Through this change the Mafia has consistently worked to promote the ethos of free trade, choice and availability of goods to the repressed Russian people.
Under the communist regime of the 1970s and 1980s, the Mafia ran a thriving business line in supplying Russian citizens with black-market western goods. Who can blame the normal Russian man or woman - unfairly repressed by the shackles of communism – for wanting to enjoy a Coca Cola like every other free man in the democratic nations of the world. And who can blame the entrepreneurial mafia man for meeting this customer demand.
Without the mafia, who would have stood up to the communist powers in enlightening the common Russian man as to the delights of a free and democratic society? The tireless work of these organisations, often in the face of great personal risk, to supply western goods to the Russian people during this period cannot be overlooked. Indeed, it may well have sown the seed of change needed to spur the common Russian towards revolution.
After the fall of the communist regime, the mafia organisations, already strongly immersed in the strategies of western capitalism were ideally placed to foster the notion of free trade within the fledgling economy.
The mafia is also providing a day-to-day means of employment for many Russians. Western businesses now operating in Russia employ large security entourages to protect their executives. 25,000 Russian security firms have grown up to protect these Westerners and the organisations employ between 600,000-800,000 Russian workers. It is estimated that the mafia controls a sixth of this thriving sector, which provides a valuable service to western companies and keeps many Russian’s in jobs.
It is often argued that the Russian mafia is an unsavoury organisation because of its secrecy and un-flamboyant manner. But surely, the Russian mafia have done nothing more than mirror their western friends, more fully schooled in the arts of global capitalism.
Find a CEO of a European investment bank who does not consider secrecy in financial business to be a core skill and you will find an unsuccessful banker. You will also rarely find these bankers boasting of their flamboyant natures.
The other main argument used against the mafia is that they resort to crime and violence to achieve their business ends. And in this area, they may even be able to teach their new western comrades a thing or two about effective business strategy.
Be ruthless in attaining your goal and success will follow! Surely any businessman worth his Armani suit will tell you this. Keep your friends close and your enemies closer. And if your enemies need to be silenced, surely it is more humane to quickly remove them with an effective poison than hold them for many years on remote Cuban islands. This all costs money after all, which is not good business sense at all.
As the world’s governments struggle to decide on Russia’s place within the new global world economy, they should perhaps look to the mafia as an old and shining example of capitalism within this eastern state. They may find that the thinking of the east and west are not so far apart after all.
‘Gun Control' by a middle-aged fascist.
The next time I hear some tree-hugging, lentil-chewing liberal regurgitate that pathetic old line “if we didn’t have guns we wouldn’t kill each other” I’m going to get my rifle out and shoot them at point blank range.
Human beings kill one another. Human beings torture one another. Human beings do unspeakable things and have been doing since the beginning of time. This is exactly why I need a gun.
When some hooded, nike-clad, wannabe-gangster, Asbo kid - off his face on smack no doubt - breaks into my house looking to steal my DVD player, property that I’ve worked all my life to save up for, and ready to assault my wife and children for the sake of fifty quid for his next hit, the only thing that’s going to deter him is a rifle pointed squarely at his face.
John Lott, in his esteemed work ‘More Guns, Less Crime’ points out the positive correlation between lily-livered gun control legislation and an increase in crimes whereby violent criminals victimise law-abiding citizens.
These thugs are absolutely delighted when the bleeding-heart liberals of this country get together and make up stupendous rules to stop honest citizens protecting their families by keeping guns in their houses.
They know exactly where to get their guns on the black market, most of them are members of violent gangs, and the only thing that’s going to stop them breaking into our homes and attacking our women and children is if they think there’s a risk that they’ll be met with a bullet in the head.
What the government doesn’t seem to understand is that they only exist to do the things we can’t do ourselves. I can’t organise a national health service, I can’t build my own school. What I can do is protect my home and family by keeping a gun loaded and ready to shoot anyone who with the audacity to think they’re going to get away with breaking into my home.
I don’t need the police to do this, which is a good job - the blundering, incompetent fools that they are. I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand around unarmed waiting for some twenty-year-old in a police uniform to come and protect my home. The metropolitan police are shockingly incapable of crime prevention, I could barely trust them to find my house never find protect it.
Any sane person would never willingly hand over such a grave responsibility as protecting their own home to a bunch of floundering imbeciles such as the metropolitan police. Indeed, when did we agree that it was their responsibility? Does anyone remember signing that contract?
The sheer arrogance of this government’s belief that it can strip us of our basic human right to protect ourselves, as if they are some all-knowing parent who can’t trust us to look after ourselves, is astounding. Where do they get off deciding who can have a gun and who can’t? Police? Yes. Army? Of course. Honest, hard-working family man wishing to protect his family? No no no.
I refuse to be bullied by this nanny state any longer. The government does not know better, it knows much much worse - you only have to look at the papers to see that the streets are teeming with rapists, paedophiles, muggers, gangsters and drug-dealers, and then they tell us just to sit tight, behave ourselves and they’ll sort it out for us.
Well I’ve been alive for fifty years now, and they havn’t sorted it out. And, sorry if this upsets your laughably naïve outlook on life, but they’re not going to.
So it’s up to you. Pretend that the state will protect you if you like, but I know what I’m going to do. And I sincerely believe that I’ll be having the last laugh, quite sure in fact, since I’ll be the one shooting hoodlums and you’ll be the one getting beaten up and robbed.
The next time I hear some tree-hugging, lentil-chewing liberal regurgitate that pathetic old line “if we didn’t have guns we wouldn’t kill each other” I’m going to get my rifle out and shoot them at point blank range.
Human beings kill one another. Human beings torture one another. Human beings do unspeakable things and have been doing since the beginning of time. This is exactly why I need a gun.
When some hooded, nike-clad, wannabe-gangster, Asbo kid - off his face on smack no doubt - breaks into my house looking to steal my DVD player, property that I’ve worked all my life to save up for, and ready to assault my wife and children for the sake of fifty quid for his next hit, the only thing that’s going to deter him is a rifle pointed squarely at his face.
John Lott, in his esteemed work ‘More Guns, Less Crime’ points out the positive correlation between lily-livered gun control legislation and an increase in crimes whereby violent criminals victimise law-abiding citizens.
These thugs are absolutely delighted when the bleeding-heart liberals of this country get together and make up stupendous rules to stop honest citizens protecting their families by keeping guns in their houses.
They know exactly where to get their guns on the black market, most of them are members of violent gangs, and the only thing that’s going to stop them breaking into our homes and attacking our women and children is if they think there’s a risk that they’ll be met with a bullet in the head.
What the government doesn’t seem to understand is that they only exist to do the things we can’t do ourselves. I can’t organise a national health service, I can’t build my own school. What I can do is protect my home and family by keeping a gun loaded and ready to shoot anyone who with the audacity to think they’re going to get away with breaking into my home.
I don’t need the police to do this, which is a good job - the blundering, incompetent fools that they are. I’ll be damned if I’m going to stand around unarmed waiting for some twenty-year-old in a police uniform to come and protect my home. The metropolitan police are shockingly incapable of crime prevention, I could barely trust them to find my house never find protect it.
Any sane person would never willingly hand over such a grave responsibility as protecting their own home to a bunch of floundering imbeciles such as the metropolitan police. Indeed, when did we agree that it was their responsibility? Does anyone remember signing that contract?
The sheer arrogance of this government’s belief that it can strip us of our basic human right to protect ourselves, as if they are some all-knowing parent who can’t trust us to look after ourselves, is astounding. Where do they get off deciding who can have a gun and who can’t? Police? Yes. Army? Of course. Honest, hard-working family man wishing to protect his family? No no no.
I refuse to be bullied by this nanny state any longer. The government does not know better, it knows much much worse - you only have to look at the papers to see that the streets are teeming with rapists, paedophiles, muggers, gangsters and drug-dealers, and then they tell us just to sit tight, behave ourselves and they’ll sort it out for us.
Well I’ve been alive for fifty years now, and they havn’t sorted it out. And, sorry if this upsets your laughably naïve outlook on life, but they’re not going to.
So it’s up to you. Pretend that the state will protect you if you like, but I know what I’m going to do. And I sincerely believe that I’ll be having the last laugh, quite sure in fact, since I’ll be the one shooting hoodlums and you’ll be the one getting beaten up and robbed.
Who needs Stonehenge?
Stonehenge should win the prize of Britain’s dullest and most boring tourist attraction.
I can’t imagine any Japanese tourist wanting to spend more than 23 hours on a plane flying from Osaka all the way to the small island called Britain just to watch a few stones rotting away.
They’d be standing in the middle of nowhere, - also referred to as Wiltshire – having paid a fortune for their family ticket (£ 14.95), staring at a few grey bricks.
If Britain wants their tourists to encounter suicidal tendencies while visiting their island, that’s the way forward!
Quite frankly, tourists could get a view of old bricks uselessly taking up space for free in one of London’s many housing estates – grey concrete everywhere and if they want a bit of nature, they can just go to the top floor and enjoy the view.
The English Heritage is wasting vast amounts of tax payers’ money every year on a bunch of stones, rocks and other rotting pieces when the money could be spent on modern, high-tech tourists attractions such as a museum on the highly dysfunctional Royal Family, suiting the needs of Japanese friends equipped with i-pods, cameras and video recorders much more.
Stonehenge just isn’t high – tech enough for the modern world, and even though the British are famous for being old – fashioned, someone should pull down those useless stones and do some good by giving the free land to a local Wiltshire farmer.
The only person upset by this would be the queen who probably made Stonehenge up to get rid of a few tourists standing in front of Buckingham Palace distracting her from having afternnon tea.
Stonehenge should win the prize of Britain’s dullest and most boring tourist attraction.
I can’t imagine any Japanese tourist wanting to spend more than 23 hours on a plane flying from Osaka all the way to the small island called Britain just to watch a few stones rotting away.
They’d be standing in the middle of nowhere, - also referred to as Wiltshire – having paid a fortune for their family ticket (£ 14.95), staring at a few grey bricks.
If Britain wants their tourists to encounter suicidal tendencies while visiting their island, that’s the way forward!
Quite frankly, tourists could get a view of old bricks uselessly taking up space for free in one of London’s many housing estates – grey concrete everywhere and if they want a bit of nature, they can just go to the top floor and enjoy the view.
The English Heritage is wasting vast amounts of tax payers’ money every year on a bunch of stones, rocks and other rotting pieces when the money could be spent on modern, high-tech tourists attractions such as a museum on the highly dysfunctional Royal Family, suiting the needs of Japanese friends equipped with i-pods, cameras and video recorders much more.
Stonehenge just isn’t high – tech enough for the modern world, and even though the British are famous for being old – fashioned, someone should pull down those useless stones and do some good by giving the free land to a local Wiltshire farmer.
The only person upset by this would be the queen who probably made Stonehenge up to get rid of a few tourists standing in front of Buckingham Palace distracting her from having afternnon tea.
How To Create Attentive and Productive Young Minds
Please Note: This is in no way an opinion that is seriously believed by the author or anyone else associated with this blog.
The problem of unruly and inattentive children in schools is ever increasing – a problem which many teachers are often unable to address. This is sometimes due to inexperience or bad parenting.
It is time that something was done about this. Teachers should not have to dread going to work for fear that disruptive and naughty children will ruin their day.
Like any other professional worker throughout the world, teachers have a right to respect and to feel comfortable in their own working environment. It is unfair that they should be relied upon to constantly have to teach other people’s children how to behave, on top of their primary duties to teach them the three R’s.
It is my opinion that to rectify this situation and to make schools more productive as well as a little calmer, children should be given cocaine instead of the usual bottle of full fat warm milk. I believe this would be effective in both primary and secondary schools.
Milk can have so many adverse effects on the body. Cow’s milk is full of saturated fat and cholesterol, which could create generations of obese adults in the future. This in turn, will also increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
Furthermore, the development of lactose intolerance is highly likely which can lead to uncomfortable bodily reactions such as diarrhea.
In our modern society, cocaine is only deemed unacceptable because of archaic religious superstition. Throughout the Inca Empire, the coca leaf was officially reserved for royalty. The natives used coca for mystical, religious, social, nutritional and medicinal purposes, as well as using it to lessen the feelings of fatigue and hunger.
In 1551 however, the Church outlawed coca use on pain of death because it was seen as an evil agent of the Devil. This reinforces the superstitions that have shaped our attitudes towards cocaine throughout history.
It is deemed unacceptable because people do not understand the benefits it can have on productivity and work ethics. Furthermore, the Church in general has a bad attitude towards anything which people enjoy.
Cocaine is a powerful stimulant, which induces feelings of exhilaration and happiness. This would be particularly beneficial to calm younger children down and stop them crying after a fall in the playground. It would also serve a use on grumpy teenagers.
The drug has had some famously intelligent users throughout history, which could have an effect on the future intelligence of our nation.
Sigmund Freud described cocaine as a magical drug, and even wrote a song of praise in its honour.
Robert Louis Stephenson wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine-binge.
This proves that the drug will have a profound effect on children’s minds, making them more productive and arguably smarter.
If a coca leaf is chewed, then it rarely presents the user with any social or medical problems. Indeed coca-chewing may be therapeutic, which in turn could benefit teachers and parents around the world.
Hopefully the downer will kick in when the kids go home so teachers won’t have to deal with the usual bad-tempers, especially those that come with adolescence, making their jobs so much easier and enjoyable.
The problem of unruly and inattentive children in schools is ever increasing – a problem which many teachers are often unable to address. This is sometimes due to inexperience or bad parenting.
It is time that something was done about this. Teachers should not have to dread going to work for fear that disruptive and naughty children will ruin their day.
Like any other professional worker throughout the world, teachers have a right to respect and to feel comfortable in their own working environment. It is unfair that they should be relied upon to constantly have to teach other people’s children how to behave, on top of their primary duties to teach them the three R’s.
It is my opinion that to rectify this situation and to make schools more productive as well as a little calmer, children should be given cocaine instead of the usual bottle of full fat warm milk. I believe this would be effective in both primary and secondary schools.
Milk can have so many adverse effects on the body. Cow’s milk is full of saturated fat and cholesterol, which could create generations of obese adults in the future. This in turn, will also increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
Furthermore, the development of lactose intolerance is highly likely which can lead to uncomfortable bodily reactions such as diarrhea.
In our modern society, cocaine is only deemed unacceptable because of archaic religious superstition. Throughout the Inca Empire, the coca leaf was officially reserved for royalty. The natives used coca for mystical, religious, social, nutritional and medicinal purposes, as well as using it to lessen the feelings of fatigue and hunger.
In 1551 however, the Church outlawed coca use on pain of death because it was seen as an evil agent of the Devil. This reinforces the superstitions that have shaped our attitudes towards cocaine throughout history.
It is deemed unacceptable because people do not understand the benefits it can have on productivity and work ethics. Furthermore, the Church in general has a bad attitude towards anything which people enjoy.
Cocaine is a powerful stimulant, which induces feelings of exhilaration and happiness. This would be particularly beneficial to calm younger children down and stop them crying after a fall in the playground. It would also serve a use on grumpy teenagers.
The drug has had some famously intelligent users throughout history, which could have an effect on the future intelligence of our nation.
Sigmund Freud described cocaine as a magical drug, and even wrote a song of praise in its honour.
Robert Louis Stephenson wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine-binge.
This proves that the drug will have a profound effect on children’s minds, making them more productive and arguably smarter.
If a coca leaf is chewed, then it rarely presents the user with any social or medical problems. Indeed coca-chewing may be therapeutic, which in turn could benefit teachers and parents around the world.
Hopefully the downer will kick in when the kids go home so teachers won’t have to deal with the usual bad-tempers, especially those that come with adolescence, making their jobs so much easier and enjoyable.
Plagiarism
Ian McEwan has been accused of plagiarism over his Booker Prize nominated book, Atonement. Perhaps McEwan is aware of two important points. One. Nothing can ever be original. Two. Whatever you write, someone else has probably already done it better.
Plagiarism is not stealing. It would be impossible to think of something completely original. People speak too much. It is far better to be economical with language. There are too many useless words just floating about pointlessly. If we attempt to reuse them more effectively, we can all live in a cleaner, happier, quieter place.
Too much time has been wasted on philosophy and literature. There are much more important things to worry about. Plagirism helps us to use our time more effectively. If, for example, we spent less time thinking about poverty and more time actually doing something about it, perhaps there would be no more poverty.
If everyone just copied what someone else had already said, time could be spent much more wisely. Instead of making students think for exams, universities should permit plagiarism so that everyone gets good marks. Universities would go up in the league tables and students could actually get jobs and earn some money doing something useful.
There are too many ignorant people in the world already. If everyone just copied what more intelligent people had already spent years thinking about, the world would be a much better place.
McEwan is obviously not intelligent enough to write something original and so has wisely stuck to plagiarism.
Mary-Ann Williams
Plagiarism is not stealing. It would be impossible to think of something completely original. People speak too much. It is far better to be economical with language. There are too many useless words just floating about pointlessly. If we attempt to reuse them more effectively, we can all live in a cleaner, happier, quieter place.
Too much time has been wasted on philosophy and literature. There are much more important things to worry about. Plagirism helps us to use our time more effectively. If, for example, we spent less time thinking about poverty and more time actually doing something about it, perhaps there would be no more poverty.
If everyone just copied what someone else had already said, time could be spent much more wisely. Instead of making students think for exams, universities should permit plagiarism so that everyone gets good marks. Universities would go up in the league tables and students could actually get jobs and earn some money doing something useful.
There are too many ignorant people in the world already. If everyone just copied what more intelligent people had already spent years thinking about, the world would be a much better place.
McEwan is obviously not intelligent enough to write something original and so has wisely stuck to plagiarism.
Mary-Ann Williams
Evolution VS Creationalism
Scientists are some of the most arrogant people on the planet. Many of the ideas that they claim to be ‘fact’ are not what you can call true. Much is based on mathematical formula and theories without any hard evidence, and that is flawed. You cannot see, hear, smell, or feel much of what Science deems to be fact and yet we take it as granted that it is real, more real than God. Yet it is possible to look at the Scriptures written down for us, and we can see that it is hard material evidence that the stories did happen. Scientific evidence especially in evolutionary terms is often circumstantial and much cannot be proved in the same way. It should not be treated as gospel because times change. Years ago scientists believed the world was flat. Who knows what we will know and believe in a hundred years time?
Whatever the case for the validity of Creationalism, it is necessary because the nature of humanity is that we want something to believe. The masses need religion, a brand of faith to keep us from losing hope and becoming cynical like Richard Dawkins, a man whose arrogance about the existence of religion is extremely rude and bigoted. You cannot prove that God exists, but in the same way no scientist can prove evolution happened, because you are looking at evidence beyond the realm of human existence. What gives scientists the right to impose their views of people like this? Why should this material be educated in schools without giving children the choice to believe what they want to believe? Children would be some ways much happier adults if they were brought up believing in a higher power and had faith. Think of the way that discipline can be enforced if children knew that the bad or evil things to do will result in them going to hell, while if they were good they would be able to go to heaven. The problem with today’s society is that children watch television and play computer games (both instruments of science) instead of going to church, and this is where they learn their definitions of right and wrong. If they believed in the bible instead, they would know if they started breaking commandants they would have to pay for it. Now the only punishment they can see is if they get caught or not. The teaching of evolution allows children to believe that the things they will do wrong will be forgotten, as we are tiny in the whole scheme of life. It is a form of propaganda that allows people to commit harm and crime because they will be able to get away from it. The Scientists are imposing their will on the easily influenced, and that is wrong.
Religion is not wrong. The belief in Creationalism causes no harm to anybody. It is those people who decide to twist and corrupt it that causes the problem. The Muslim and Christian religions are fundamentally worthwhile, but it is the people who twist it to their own way and kill for it that is the harm. In some ways it is due to a lack of strength in their own faith because they forget the inner principles of their religion and exhibit extreme behaviour which is caused by their own human doubt and feelings rather than what they believe (e.g. paedophile Catholic Priests) The real problem are those Christians who believe in both God and Evolution and feel that they are both compatible. They are hedging their bets. They cannot decide one way or another and so they stuck right down the middle in a state of confusion. Atheists and Creationalists are worthy of admiration because at least they can make their mind up about what they believe. It is those in the middle who are chickening out and they are the people we should make jokes out of as they are in all extent and purposes cowards.
It is not right that Creationalists are the source of ridicule simply because they believe in what their holy book says. The birth of Jesus and his position as God’s son relies on just as much faith as God’s creation of the Earth in the chapter of Genesis. Why should people be allowed to believe in one part of the bible, which is the whole basis of Christianity, and disregard the early part due to the will of the Scientists? For some people, like fundamentalist believers of the Koran, their book is the word laid down by God and impossible to regard in any other way. And yet Creationalism is not harmful in the same way as Muslim fundamentalism can be. Violence and bloodshed is not caused because people believe in Adam and Eve.
Ash
101 uses for a dead guardian
I see in today’s Guardian that they are giving away free ‘designer’ wrapping paper. It seems that the free posters they have been supplying to the nation’s geography teachers has finally run out of steam. We have had cheeses, cows, sexually transmitted diseases and interesting mosses and quite frankly my flat on Upper Street has just run out of wall space.
The idea for wrapping paper is genius and no doubt Santa Claus is sending all his little elves out to a newsagent near you as part a massive cost cutting exercise. In fact the idea is putting most environmentalists to shame as they continue in vain to get people to recycle paper. We are British god damn it and the day lug my old newspapers 100 yards down the road, just to shove them in a metal box that some tramp has probably had a shit in the night before, is when hell freezes over. No I don’t just want my paper for one use, I want it for many uses.
So when the festive season has passed, when that annoying polar bear has stopped trying to convince me to buy Coca Cola, when you say goodbye the abominations that are office Christmas parties and have put so much weight on that those new pyjamas that your grand mother has just bought you wouldn’t even cover your big toe, what can the Guardian do to give my newspaper its extra worth? After all with all newspapers being transferred onto the internet, we need to do something to keep those poor inkies in a job.
I think bog paper is a good idea. Why the hell should I waste money buying something because the dog in the advert looks so adorable? It’s only my arse hole for Christ sake not your mums good China! So lets get rid of the staples, these could be a pain in the backside, and have perforated edges on newspapers. This would be especially good if you dislike the person on the page, e.g. Tony Blair, Chris Tarrant, Christiano Ronaldo, ‘have some of my poo Ronaldo you bastard!’
For those readers who will be lost without their posh anal carwash, then maybe they could make quilted newspapers for 30p more. Add some sort of soothing balm and hey presto you have tissues.
The possibilities are in fact endless. Why not boost your drug abuser readership by making thicker newspapers for making spliff roaches, or out of blotting paper for LSD tablets? That should keep the ganja smoking, self-righteous eco-hippies from Islington happy for another week.
For tight-arses who haven’t redecorated their house since the blitz, why not wallpaper? By giving out one sheet a day it would take people all year to collect enough for their house, readership figures would go through the roof.
They say that McDonald’s milkshakes have added newspaper pulp for that extra think taste, brilliant! We could save thousands of pounds a year by using newspapers to supplement our daily diets at no extra expense. Think of the fibre it would add to your diet, good for the water works as they say. Your newspaper would come in handy in dealing with the outcome of that extra roughage.
So instead of parmesan, why not a bit of bit of grated media supplement on your Bolognese? Sandwiches could be livened up by replacing your Hovis with the G2, think of the carbs you would be avoiding! Fed up of sickly icing on your birthday cake, try a huge dollop of business section as a topping instead, you could call them Guardian Angel (Islington) Cakes. You could eat it all on newspaper plates, wiping your hands on the sports section.
Other ideas include;
1. Inexpensive clothing for children, ‘do you like the Guardigan my gran made me for Christmas?’
2. A hole through the middle for a pole and you have a convenient umbrella
3. Weapons for the armed forces … the government can escape all jibes of brutality by paper cutting the enemy into submission
4. Shin pads for footballers like the good old days … at least Drogba, Robben and co would have an excuse for writhing around in agony
5. Fed up of buying your kids £300 ‘proper’ instruments that they are going to end up selling on ebay to buy a guitar or some smack? A few snips on your newspaper and you have crude harmonica! Role it up and teach them a bit about other culture with makeshift didgeridoo!
6. For children sick of their parents deserting them day after day to follow their careers to pay for garage extensions, Merc's and holidays in Tibet, you could make papier mache parents and select your favourite person on I'm a Celebrity for the face ... you could easily claim they are your legal Guardian
Who says the newspapers are dead? You can't wipe your bottom with a webiste!
The idea for wrapping paper is genius and no doubt Santa Claus is sending all his little elves out to a newsagent near you as part a massive cost cutting exercise. In fact the idea is putting most environmentalists to shame as they continue in vain to get people to recycle paper. We are British god damn it and the day lug my old newspapers 100 yards down the road, just to shove them in a metal box that some tramp has probably had a shit in the night before, is when hell freezes over. No I don’t just want my paper for one use, I want it for many uses.
So when the festive season has passed, when that annoying polar bear has stopped trying to convince me to buy Coca Cola, when you say goodbye the abominations that are office Christmas parties and have put so much weight on that those new pyjamas that your grand mother has just bought you wouldn’t even cover your big toe, what can the Guardian do to give my newspaper its extra worth? After all with all newspapers being transferred onto the internet, we need to do something to keep those poor inkies in a job.
I think bog paper is a good idea. Why the hell should I waste money buying something because the dog in the advert looks so adorable? It’s only my arse hole for Christ sake not your mums good China! So lets get rid of the staples, these could be a pain in the backside, and have perforated edges on newspapers. This would be especially good if you dislike the person on the page, e.g. Tony Blair, Chris Tarrant, Christiano Ronaldo, ‘have some of my poo Ronaldo you bastard!’
For those readers who will be lost without their posh anal carwash, then maybe they could make quilted newspapers for 30p more. Add some sort of soothing balm and hey presto you have tissues.
The possibilities are in fact endless. Why not boost your drug abuser readership by making thicker newspapers for making spliff roaches, or out of blotting paper for LSD tablets? That should keep the ganja smoking, self-righteous eco-hippies from Islington happy for another week.
For tight-arses who haven’t redecorated their house since the blitz, why not wallpaper? By giving out one sheet a day it would take people all year to collect enough for their house, readership figures would go through the roof.
They say that McDonald’s milkshakes have added newspaper pulp for that extra think taste, brilliant! We could save thousands of pounds a year by using newspapers to supplement our daily diets at no extra expense. Think of the fibre it would add to your diet, good for the water works as they say. Your newspaper would come in handy in dealing with the outcome of that extra roughage.
So instead of parmesan, why not a bit of bit of grated media supplement on your Bolognese? Sandwiches could be livened up by replacing your Hovis with the G2, think of the carbs you would be avoiding! Fed up of sickly icing on your birthday cake, try a huge dollop of business section as a topping instead, you could call them Guardian Angel (Islington) Cakes. You could eat it all on newspaper plates, wiping your hands on the sports section.
Other ideas include;
1. Inexpensive clothing for children, ‘do you like the Guardigan my gran made me for Christmas?’
2. A hole through the middle for a pole and you have a convenient umbrella
3. Weapons for the armed forces … the government can escape all jibes of brutality by paper cutting the enemy into submission
4. Shin pads for footballers like the good old days … at least Drogba, Robben and co would have an excuse for writhing around in agony
5. Fed up of buying your kids £300 ‘proper’ instruments that they are going to end up selling on ebay to buy a guitar or some smack? A few snips on your newspaper and you have crude harmonica! Role it up and teach them a bit about other culture with makeshift didgeridoo!
6. For children sick of their parents deserting them day after day to follow their careers to pay for garage extensions, Merc's and holidays in Tibet, you could make papier mache parents and select your favourite person on I'm a Celebrity for the face ... you could easily claim they are your legal Guardian
Who says the newspapers are dead? You can't wipe your bottom with a webiste!
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