Who needs Stonehenge?
Stonehenge should win the prize of Britain’s dullest and most boring tourist attraction.
I can’t imagine any Japanese tourist wanting to spend more than 23 hours on a plane flying from Osaka all the way to the small island called Britain just to watch a few stones rotting away.
They’d be standing in the middle of nowhere, - also referred to as Wiltshire – having paid a fortune for their family ticket (£ 14.95), staring at a few grey bricks.
If Britain wants their tourists to encounter suicidal tendencies while visiting their island, that’s the way forward!
Quite frankly, tourists could get a view of old bricks uselessly taking up space for free in one of London’s many housing estates – grey concrete everywhere and if they want a bit of nature, they can just go to the top floor and enjoy the view.
The English Heritage is wasting vast amounts of tax payers’ money every year on a bunch of stones, rocks and other rotting pieces when the money could be spent on modern, high-tech tourists attractions such as a museum on the highly dysfunctional Royal Family, suiting the needs of Japanese friends equipped with i-pods, cameras and video recorders much more.
Stonehenge just isn’t high – tech enough for the modern world, and even though the British are famous for being old – fashioned, someone should pull down those useless stones and do some good by giving the free land to a local Wiltshire farmer.
The only person upset by this would be the queen who probably made Stonehenge up to get rid of a few tourists standing in front of Buckingham Palace distracting her from having afternnon tea.
Monday, November 27, 2006
How To Create Attentive and Productive Young Minds
Please Note: This is in no way an opinion that is seriously believed by the author or anyone else associated with this blog.
The problem of unruly and inattentive children in schools is ever increasing – a problem which many teachers are often unable to address. This is sometimes due to inexperience or bad parenting.
It is time that something was done about this. Teachers should not have to dread going to work for fear that disruptive and naughty children will ruin their day.
Like any other professional worker throughout the world, teachers have a right to respect and to feel comfortable in their own working environment. It is unfair that they should be relied upon to constantly have to teach other people’s children how to behave, on top of their primary duties to teach them the three R’s.
It is my opinion that to rectify this situation and to make schools more productive as well as a little calmer, children should be given cocaine instead of the usual bottle of full fat warm milk. I believe this would be effective in both primary and secondary schools.
Milk can have so many adverse effects on the body. Cow’s milk is full of saturated fat and cholesterol, which could create generations of obese adults in the future. This in turn, will also increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
Furthermore, the development of lactose intolerance is highly likely which can lead to uncomfortable bodily reactions such as diarrhea.
In our modern society, cocaine is only deemed unacceptable because of archaic religious superstition. Throughout the Inca Empire, the coca leaf was officially reserved for royalty. The natives used coca for mystical, religious, social, nutritional and medicinal purposes, as well as using it to lessen the feelings of fatigue and hunger.
In 1551 however, the Church outlawed coca use on pain of death because it was seen as an evil agent of the Devil. This reinforces the superstitions that have shaped our attitudes towards cocaine throughout history.
It is deemed unacceptable because people do not understand the benefits it can have on productivity and work ethics. Furthermore, the Church in general has a bad attitude towards anything which people enjoy.
Cocaine is a powerful stimulant, which induces feelings of exhilaration and happiness. This would be particularly beneficial to calm younger children down and stop them crying after a fall in the playground. It would also serve a use on grumpy teenagers.
The drug has had some famously intelligent users throughout history, which could have an effect on the future intelligence of our nation.
Sigmund Freud described cocaine as a magical drug, and even wrote a song of praise in its honour.
Robert Louis Stephenson wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine-binge.
This proves that the drug will have a profound effect on children’s minds, making them more productive and arguably smarter.
If a coca leaf is chewed, then it rarely presents the user with any social or medical problems. Indeed coca-chewing may be therapeutic, which in turn could benefit teachers and parents around the world.
Hopefully the downer will kick in when the kids go home so teachers won’t have to deal with the usual bad-tempers, especially those that come with adolescence, making their jobs so much easier and enjoyable.
The problem of unruly and inattentive children in schools is ever increasing – a problem which many teachers are often unable to address. This is sometimes due to inexperience or bad parenting.
It is time that something was done about this. Teachers should not have to dread going to work for fear that disruptive and naughty children will ruin their day.
Like any other professional worker throughout the world, teachers have a right to respect and to feel comfortable in their own working environment. It is unfair that they should be relied upon to constantly have to teach other people’s children how to behave, on top of their primary duties to teach them the three R’s.
It is my opinion that to rectify this situation and to make schools more productive as well as a little calmer, children should be given cocaine instead of the usual bottle of full fat warm milk. I believe this would be effective in both primary and secondary schools.
Milk can have so many adverse effects on the body. Cow’s milk is full of saturated fat and cholesterol, which could create generations of obese adults in the future. This in turn, will also increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
Furthermore, the development of lactose intolerance is highly likely which can lead to uncomfortable bodily reactions such as diarrhea.
In our modern society, cocaine is only deemed unacceptable because of archaic religious superstition. Throughout the Inca Empire, the coca leaf was officially reserved for royalty. The natives used coca for mystical, religious, social, nutritional and medicinal purposes, as well as using it to lessen the feelings of fatigue and hunger.
In 1551 however, the Church outlawed coca use on pain of death because it was seen as an evil agent of the Devil. This reinforces the superstitions that have shaped our attitudes towards cocaine throughout history.
It is deemed unacceptable because people do not understand the benefits it can have on productivity and work ethics. Furthermore, the Church in general has a bad attitude towards anything which people enjoy.
Cocaine is a powerful stimulant, which induces feelings of exhilaration and happiness. This would be particularly beneficial to calm younger children down and stop them crying after a fall in the playground. It would also serve a use on grumpy teenagers.
The drug has had some famously intelligent users throughout history, which could have an effect on the future intelligence of our nation.
Sigmund Freud described cocaine as a magical drug, and even wrote a song of praise in its honour.
Robert Louis Stephenson wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine-binge.
This proves that the drug will have a profound effect on children’s minds, making them more productive and arguably smarter.
If a coca leaf is chewed, then it rarely presents the user with any social or medical problems. Indeed coca-chewing may be therapeutic, which in turn could benefit teachers and parents around the world.
Hopefully the downer will kick in when the kids go home so teachers won’t have to deal with the usual bad-tempers, especially those that come with adolescence, making their jobs so much easier and enjoyable.
Plagiarism
Ian McEwan has been accused of plagiarism over his Booker Prize nominated book, Atonement. Perhaps McEwan is aware of two important points. One. Nothing can ever be original. Two. Whatever you write, someone else has probably already done it better.
Plagiarism is not stealing. It would be impossible to think of something completely original. People speak too much. It is far better to be economical with language. There are too many useless words just floating about pointlessly. If we attempt to reuse them more effectively, we can all live in a cleaner, happier, quieter place.
Too much time has been wasted on philosophy and literature. There are much more important things to worry about. Plagirism helps us to use our time more effectively. If, for example, we spent less time thinking about poverty and more time actually doing something about it, perhaps there would be no more poverty.
If everyone just copied what someone else had already said, time could be spent much more wisely. Instead of making students think for exams, universities should permit plagiarism so that everyone gets good marks. Universities would go up in the league tables and students could actually get jobs and earn some money doing something useful.
There are too many ignorant people in the world already. If everyone just copied what more intelligent people had already spent years thinking about, the world would be a much better place.
McEwan is obviously not intelligent enough to write something original and so has wisely stuck to plagiarism.
Mary-Ann Williams
Plagiarism is not stealing. It would be impossible to think of something completely original. People speak too much. It is far better to be economical with language. There are too many useless words just floating about pointlessly. If we attempt to reuse them more effectively, we can all live in a cleaner, happier, quieter place.
Too much time has been wasted on philosophy and literature. There are much more important things to worry about. Plagirism helps us to use our time more effectively. If, for example, we spent less time thinking about poverty and more time actually doing something about it, perhaps there would be no more poverty.
If everyone just copied what someone else had already said, time could be spent much more wisely. Instead of making students think for exams, universities should permit plagiarism so that everyone gets good marks. Universities would go up in the league tables and students could actually get jobs and earn some money doing something useful.
There are too many ignorant people in the world already. If everyone just copied what more intelligent people had already spent years thinking about, the world would be a much better place.
McEwan is obviously not intelligent enough to write something original and so has wisely stuck to plagiarism.
Mary-Ann Williams
Evolution VS Creationalism
Scientists are some of the most arrogant people on the planet. Many of the ideas that they claim to be ‘fact’ are not what you can call true. Much is based on mathematical formula and theories without any hard evidence, and that is flawed. You cannot see, hear, smell, or feel much of what Science deems to be fact and yet we take it as granted that it is real, more real than God. Yet it is possible to look at the Scriptures written down for us, and we can see that it is hard material evidence that the stories did happen. Scientific evidence especially in evolutionary terms is often circumstantial and much cannot be proved in the same way. It should not be treated as gospel because times change. Years ago scientists believed the world was flat. Who knows what we will know and believe in a hundred years time?
Whatever the case for the validity of Creationalism, it is necessary because the nature of humanity is that we want something to believe. The masses need religion, a brand of faith to keep us from losing hope and becoming cynical like Richard Dawkins, a man whose arrogance about the existence of religion is extremely rude and bigoted. You cannot prove that God exists, but in the same way no scientist can prove evolution happened, because you are looking at evidence beyond the realm of human existence. What gives scientists the right to impose their views of people like this? Why should this material be educated in schools without giving children the choice to believe what they want to believe? Children would be some ways much happier adults if they were brought up believing in a higher power and had faith. Think of the way that discipline can be enforced if children knew that the bad or evil things to do will result in them going to hell, while if they were good they would be able to go to heaven. The problem with today’s society is that children watch television and play computer games (both instruments of science) instead of going to church, and this is where they learn their definitions of right and wrong. If they believed in the bible instead, they would know if they started breaking commandants they would have to pay for it. Now the only punishment they can see is if they get caught or not. The teaching of evolution allows children to believe that the things they will do wrong will be forgotten, as we are tiny in the whole scheme of life. It is a form of propaganda that allows people to commit harm and crime because they will be able to get away from it. The Scientists are imposing their will on the easily influenced, and that is wrong.
Religion is not wrong. The belief in Creationalism causes no harm to anybody. It is those people who decide to twist and corrupt it that causes the problem. The Muslim and Christian religions are fundamentally worthwhile, but it is the people who twist it to their own way and kill for it that is the harm. In some ways it is due to a lack of strength in their own faith because they forget the inner principles of their religion and exhibit extreme behaviour which is caused by their own human doubt and feelings rather than what they believe (e.g. paedophile Catholic Priests) The real problem are those Christians who believe in both God and Evolution and feel that they are both compatible. They are hedging their bets. They cannot decide one way or another and so they stuck right down the middle in a state of confusion. Atheists and Creationalists are worthy of admiration because at least they can make their mind up about what they believe. It is those in the middle who are chickening out and they are the people we should make jokes out of as they are in all extent and purposes cowards.
It is not right that Creationalists are the source of ridicule simply because they believe in what their holy book says. The birth of Jesus and his position as God’s son relies on just as much faith as God’s creation of the Earth in the chapter of Genesis. Why should people be allowed to believe in one part of the bible, which is the whole basis of Christianity, and disregard the early part due to the will of the Scientists? For some people, like fundamentalist believers of the Koran, their book is the word laid down by God and impossible to regard in any other way. And yet Creationalism is not harmful in the same way as Muslim fundamentalism can be. Violence and bloodshed is not caused because people believe in Adam and Eve.
Ash
101 uses for a dead guardian
I see in today’s Guardian that they are giving away free ‘designer’ wrapping paper. It seems that the free posters they have been supplying to the nation’s geography teachers has finally run out of steam. We have had cheeses, cows, sexually transmitted diseases and interesting mosses and quite frankly my flat on Upper Street has just run out of wall space.
The idea for wrapping paper is genius and no doubt Santa Claus is sending all his little elves out to a newsagent near you as part a massive cost cutting exercise. In fact the idea is putting most environmentalists to shame as they continue in vain to get people to recycle paper. We are British god damn it and the day lug my old newspapers 100 yards down the road, just to shove them in a metal box that some tramp has probably had a shit in the night before, is when hell freezes over. No I don’t just want my paper for one use, I want it for many uses.
So when the festive season has passed, when that annoying polar bear has stopped trying to convince me to buy Coca Cola, when you say goodbye the abominations that are office Christmas parties and have put so much weight on that those new pyjamas that your grand mother has just bought you wouldn’t even cover your big toe, what can the Guardian do to give my newspaper its extra worth? After all with all newspapers being transferred onto the internet, we need to do something to keep those poor inkies in a job.
I think bog paper is a good idea. Why the hell should I waste money buying something because the dog in the advert looks so adorable? It’s only my arse hole for Christ sake not your mums good China! So lets get rid of the staples, these could be a pain in the backside, and have perforated edges on newspapers. This would be especially good if you dislike the person on the page, e.g. Tony Blair, Chris Tarrant, Christiano Ronaldo, ‘have some of my poo Ronaldo you bastard!’
For those readers who will be lost without their posh anal carwash, then maybe they could make quilted newspapers for 30p more. Add some sort of soothing balm and hey presto you have tissues.
The possibilities are in fact endless. Why not boost your drug abuser readership by making thicker newspapers for making spliff roaches, or out of blotting paper for LSD tablets? That should keep the ganja smoking, self-righteous eco-hippies from Islington happy for another week.
For tight-arses who haven’t redecorated their house since the blitz, why not wallpaper? By giving out one sheet a day it would take people all year to collect enough for their house, readership figures would go through the roof.
They say that McDonald’s milkshakes have added newspaper pulp for that extra think taste, brilliant! We could save thousands of pounds a year by using newspapers to supplement our daily diets at no extra expense. Think of the fibre it would add to your diet, good for the water works as they say. Your newspaper would come in handy in dealing with the outcome of that extra roughage.
So instead of parmesan, why not a bit of bit of grated media supplement on your Bolognese? Sandwiches could be livened up by replacing your Hovis with the G2, think of the carbs you would be avoiding! Fed up of sickly icing on your birthday cake, try a huge dollop of business section as a topping instead, you could call them Guardian Angel (Islington) Cakes. You could eat it all on newspaper plates, wiping your hands on the sports section.
Other ideas include;
1. Inexpensive clothing for children, ‘do you like the Guardigan my gran made me for Christmas?’
2. A hole through the middle for a pole and you have a convenient umbrella
3. Weapons for the armed forces … the government can escape all jibes of brutality by paper cutting the enemy into submission
4. Shin pads for footballers like the good old days … at least Drogba, Robben and co would have an excuse for writhing around in agony
5. Fed up of buying your kids £300 ‘proper’ instruments that they are going to end up selling on ebay to buy a guitar or some smack? A few snips on your newspaper and you have crude harmonica! Role it up and teach them a bit about other culture with makeshift didgeridoo!
6. For children sick of their parents deserting them day after day to follow their careers to pay for garage extensions, Merc's and holidays in Tibet, you could make papier mache parents and select your favourite person on I'm a Celebrity for the face ... you could easily claim they are your legal Guardian
Who says the newspapers are dead? You can't wipe your bottom with a webiste!
The idea for wrapping paper is genius and no doubt Santa Claus is sending all his little elves out to a newsagent near you as part a massive cost cutting exercise. In fact the idea is putting most environmentalists to shame as they continue in vain to get people to recycle paper. We are British god damn it and the day lug my old newspapers 100 yards down the road, just to shove them in a metal box that some tramp has probably had a shit in the night before, is when hell freezes over. No I don’t just want my paper for one use, I want it for many uses.
So when the festive season has passed, when that annoying polar bear has stopped trying to convince me to buy Coca Cola, when you say goodbye the abominations that are office Christmas parties and have put so much weight on that those new pyjamas that your grand mother has just bought you wouldn’t even cover your big toe, what can the Guardian do to give my newspaper its extra worth? After all with all newspapers being transferred onto the internet, we need to do something to keep those poor inkies in a job.
I think bog paper is a good idea. Why the hell should I waste money buying something because the dog in the advert looks so adorable? It’s only my arse hole for Christ sake not your mums good China! So lets get rid of the staples, these could be a pain in the backside, and have perforated edges on newspapers. This would be especially good if you dislike the person on the page, e.g. Tony Blair, Chris Tarrant, Christiano Ronaldo, ‘have some of my poo Ronaldo you bastard!’
For those readers who will be lost without their posh anal carwash, then maybe they could make quilted newspapers for 30p more. Add some sort of soothing balm and hey presto you have tissues.
The possibilities are in fact endless. Why not boost your drug abuser readership by making thicker newspapers for making spliff roaches, or out of blotting paper for LSD tablets? That should keep the ganja smoking, self-righteous eco-hippies from Islington happy for another week.
For tight-arses who haven’t redecorated their house since the blitz, why not wallpaper? By giving out one sheet a day it would take people all year to collect enough for their house, readership figures would go through the roof.
They say that McDonald’s milkshakes have added newspaper pulp for that extra think taste, brilliant! We could save thousands of pounds a year by using newspapers to supplement our daily diets at no extra expense. Think of the fibre it would add to your diet, good for the water works as they say. Your newspaper would come in handy in dealing with the outcome of that extra roughage.
So instead of parmesan, why not a bit of bit of grated media supplement on your Bolognese? Sandwiches could be livened up by replacing your Hovis with the G2, think of the carbs you would be avoiding! Fed up of sickly icing on your birthday cake, try a huge dollop of business section as a topping instead, you could call them Guardian Angel (Islington) Cakes. You could eat it all on newspaper plates, wiping your hands on the sports section.
Other ideas include;
1. Inexpensive clothing for children, ‘do you like the Guardigan my gran made me for Christmas?’
2. A hole through the middle for a pole and you have a convenient umbrella
3. Weapons for the armed forces … the government can escape all jibes of brutality by paper cutting the enemy into submission
4. Shin pads for footballers like the good old days … at least Drogba, Robben and co would have an excuse for writhing around in agony
5. Fed up of buying your kids £300 ‘proper’ instruments that they are going to end up selling on ebay to buy a guitar or some smack? A few snips on your newspaper and you have crude harmonica! Role it up and teach them a bit about other culture with makeshift didgeridoo!
6. For children sick of their parents deserting them day after day to follow their careers to pay for garage extensions, Merc's and holidays in Tibet, you could make papier mache parents and select your favourite person on I'm a Celebrity for the face ... you could easily claim they are your legal Guardian
Who says the newspapers are dead? You can't wipe your bottom with a webiste!
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