101 uses for a dead guardian

I see in today’s Guardian that they are giving away free ‘designer’ wrapping paper. It seems that the free posters they have been supplying to the nation’s geography teachers has finally run out of steam. We have had cheeses, cows, sexually transmitted diseases and interesting mosses and quite frankly my flat on Upper Street has just run out of wall space.

The idea for wrapping paper is genius and no doubt Santa Claus is sending all his little elves out to a newsagent near you as part a massive cost cutting exercise. In fact the idea is putting most environmentalists to shame as they continue in vain to get people to recycle paper. We are British god damn it and the day lug my old newspapers 100 yards down the road, just to shove them in a metal box that some tramp has probably had a shit in the night before, is when hell freezes over. No I don’t just want my paper for one use, I want it for many uses.

So when the festive season has passed, when that annoying polar bear has stopped trying to convince me to buy Coca Cola, when you say goodbye the abominations that are office Christmas parties and have put so much weight on that those new pyjamas that your grand mother has just bought you wouldn’t even cover your big toe, what can the Guardian do to give my newspaper its extra worth? After all with all newspapers being transferred onto the internet, we need to do something to keep those poor inkies in a job.

I think bog paper is a good idea. Why the hell should I waste money buying something because the dog in the advert looks so adorable? It’s only my arse hole for Christ sake not your mums good China! So lets get rid of the staples, these could be a pain in the backside, and have perforated edges on newspapers. This would be especially good if you dislike the person on the page, e.g. Tony Blair, Chris Tarrant, Christiano Ronaldo, ‘have some of my poo Ronaldo you bastard!’

For those readers who will be lost without their posh anal carwash, then maybe they could make quilted newspapers for 30p more. Add some sort of soothing balm and hey presto you have tissues.

The possibilities are in fact endless. Why not boost your drug abuser readership by making thicker newspapers for making spliff roaches, or out of blotting paper for LSD tablets? That should keep the ganja smoking, self-righteous eco-hippies from Islington happy for another week.

For tight-arses who haven’t redecorated their house since the blitz, why not wallpaper? By giving out one sheet a day it would take people all year to collect enough for their house, readership figures would go through the roof.

They say that McDonald’s milkshakes have added newspaper pulp for that extra think taste, brilliant! We could save thousands of pounds a year by using newspapers to supplement our daily diets at no extra expense. Think of the fibre it would add to your diet, good for the water works as they say. Your newspaper would come in handy in dealing with the outcome of that extra roughage.

So instead of parmesan, why not a bit of bit of grated media supplement on your Bolognese? Sandwiches could be livened up by replacing your Hovis with the G2, think of the carbs you would be avoiding! Fed up of sickly icing on your birthday cake, try a huge dollop of business section as a topping instead, you could call them Guardian Angel (Islington) Cakes. You could eat it all on newspaper plates, wiping your hands on the sports section.

Other ideas include;

1. Inexpensive clothing for children, ‘do you like the Guardigan my gran made me for Christmas?’

2. A hole through the middle for a pole and you have a convenient umbrella

3. Weapons for the armed forces … the government can escape all jibes of brutality by paper cutting the enemy into submission

4. Shin pads for footballers like the good old days … at least Drogba, Robben and co would have an excuse for writhing around in agony

5. Fed up of buying your kids £300 ‘proper’ instruments that they are going to end up selling on ebay to buy a guitar or some smack? A few snips on your newspaper and you have crude harmonica! Role it up and teach them a bit about other culture with makeshift didgeridoo!

6. For children sick of their parents deserting them day after day to follow their careers to pay for garage extensions, Merc's and holidays in Tibet, you could make papier mache parents and select your favourite person on I'm a Celebrity for the face ... you could easily claim they are your legal Guardian

Who says the newspapers are dead? You can't wipe your bottom with a webiste!