A proposal for the radical regeneration of Burnley.

The prison system is overcrowded to the point of dysfunction, children maim and kill each other for entertainment, and sex beasts are free to whittle their days away in our playgrounds. They wait in filthy expectation, playing on the swings, lurking on roundabouts, their groping hands twitching to get hold of an innocent young child.

Our beautiful nation is sinking into a deviant snake pit of sin. A veritable oasis for Sodom and Gomorrah, as they scour the populated world looking for the corruptible. And what are we doing about it? Nothing. Blair and his sandal-wearing cronies sit about and moan that’s all they do, moan about the environment, about lower taxes and higher wages, about how hard it is to run a country. Well Mr Blair, there is a solution.

We must relocate the worst elements of our society, starting with the sex beasts. Get them away from the good and the honest of our land. Let them groom and fiddle amongst themselves. Where can they be sent? It has to be a place that is already overrun with evil and vice, with the worst sorts of human behavior occurring in every office and every home. A place so defiled by malevolence that it could get no worse.

Burnley, as described by the official tourism website, is an ‘enigma’. If this is true it is not because it straddles the line between the golden age of industry, and the consumer supported comfort of the Twenty First century, no, rather it is because of its status as an indefinable wasteland, straddling the line between Hell and Hades. One possible solution to the problem of Burnley is to have it, and its population relocated 20 miles off the coast of Blackpool. Desirable as this sounds, it is simply not feasible, it would be time consuming, and would risk contaminating our costal waters for centuries.

As residents flee, the crumbling streets and boarded up factories are beginning to resemble a ghost town. The bodies of the old and infirmed lie strewn across the cracked cobbled roads, children are left behind, abandoned to make a life amongst the rubble. It is in this picture that the solution to our nations problems can be found. Why should these children crawl, blinded by coal dust, and choked by asbestos in search of a better life? Why not send the sex beasts to Burnley, let them have the place, and put the children in the vacated playgrounds?


The BNP have been angling for a controlling stake in the city for years. Well let them have it. They could run the city and, using the infamously violent Burnley Suicide Squad as their enforcers, could restore some order amongst the nonce’s. Our prisons would empty out over night, leaving more space for all the terrorists and chancing rag heads who have flooded our nation. Our playgrounds would be safe again, and our nation would be one step closer to restoring purity.

ed.