Please Note: This is in no way an opinion that is seriously believed by the author or anyone else associated with this blog.
The problem of unruly and inattentive children in schools is ever increasing – a problem which many teachers are often unable to address. This is sometimes due to inexperience or bad parenting.
It is time that something was done about this. Teachers should not have to dread going to work for fear that disruptive and naughty children will ruin their day.
Like any other professional worker throughout the world, teachers have a right to respect and to feel comfortable in their own working environment. It is unfair that they should be relied upon to constantly have to teach other people’s children how to behave, on top of their primary duties to teach them the three R’s.
It is my opinion that to rectify this situation and to make schools more productive as well as a little calmer, children should be given cocaine instead of the usual bottle of full fat warm milk. I believe this would be effective in both primary and secondary schools.
Milk can have so many adverse effects on the body. Cow’s milk is full of saturated fat and cholesterol, which could create generations of obese adults in the future. This in turn, will also increase the risk of coronary heart disease.
Furthermore, the development of lactose intolerance is highly likely which can lead to uncomfortable bodily reactions such as diarrhea.
In our modern society, cocaine is only deemed unacceptable because of archaic religious superstition. Throughout the Inca Empire, the coca leaf was officially reserved for royalty. The natives used coca for mystical, religious, social, nutritional and medicinal purposes, as well as using it to lessen the feelings of fatigue and hunger.
In 1551 however, the Church outlawed coca use on pain of death because it was seen as an evil agent of the Devil. This reinforces the superstitions that have shaped our attitudes towards cocaine throughout history.
It is deemed unacceptable because people do not understand the benefits it can have on productivity and work ethics. Furthermore, the Church in general has a bad attitude towards anything which people enjoy.
Cocaine is a powerful stimulant, which induces feelings of exhilaration and happiness. This would be particularly beneficial to calm younger children down and stop them crying after a fall in the playground. It would also serve a use on grumpy teenagers.
The drug has had some famously intelligent users throughout history, which could have an effect on the future intelligence of our nation.
Sigmund Freud described cocaine as a magical drug, and even wrote a song of praise in its honour.
Robert Louis Stephenson wrote The Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde during a six-day cocaine-binge.
This proves that the drug will have a profound effect on children’s minds, making them more productive and arguably smarter.
If a coca leaf is chewed, then it rarely presents the user with any social or medical problems. Indeed coca-chewing may be therapeutic, which in turn could benefit teachers and parents around the world.
Hopefully the downer will kick in when the kids go home so teachers won’t have to deal with the usual bad-tempers, especially those that come with adolescence, making their jobs so much easier and enjoyable.